One of those days

I feel like I should blog today.

I have days like yesterday when I feel confident and assertive - days when I feel like a campaigner, days when I feel like we can take on the world, days when I see privilege for what it is, and call people out on it.

And then I have days like today.

Days when I have panic attacks on the bus because my meds aren't touching the pain, days when I spend hours hiding in bed because the stuff I have to do is too overwhelming, days when I am frightened to eat when I'm alone at home because my swallowing is so rubbish, days when I want to drop out because I have had enough of all of the nonsense and all of the banging my head against a wall-ness, days when I put off going to bed because it will make tomorrow come faster.

People don't see me when I have days like this, and I don't talk about them because they're awful, and they make my brain wonky, and they make me feel stupid and lazy and horrible.

I don't know why I'm posting this, other than sometimes I think that the version of myself I present on here is an incomplete one - I mean, it always will be incomplete, such is the nature of the beast, but these attacks of overwhelmed exhaustion are a side of the story I purposefully hide.

Having a routine makes days like these so much easier to deal with, but it feels like I will never get to have a routine. Next week we change placement, so once again I have no timetable for Friday onwards, I have no idea who my supervisor will be, I have no idea who else will be placed in the same ward as me, I have no idea if/when I will have home study sessions which are my major pacing tool. I feel sick at the thought of it.

I love medicine so much. I love the people, I love the science, I love that there's always more to learn. I love all the little firsts - getting my first cannula in, picking up my first murmur, first time a consultant wrote "as above" under my clerk in / management plan and didn't add anything. I love hearing people's stories and walking part of their journey with them.

It doesn't need to be this hard, but as long as it is it's bloody difficult to do anything about it when I (we, others have said the same to me) are so exhausted from dealing with the nonsense. Today it seems insurmountable. I feel foolish for even trying.