Wednesday 11 April 2012


I've been feeling very anxious the last few days.

It's an odd one for me. It is almost certainly in part physiological - my screwy nervous system making me hyperventilate / giving me palpitations - and my brain frantically scanning its memory banks to find a worry to put with that feeling to make it all make sense.

My brain obviously hasn't yet quite got the bendy thing.

There has been a lot going on though. My DLA form was finished and submitted 10 days ago, my blue badge application is ready to take in, I've been getting settled in with the new GP and getting used to the feeling of being listened to (which in turn has meant some mourning for the bad GP situation I've been in for so long), I've had productive OT and orthotics appointments and social services are finally coming out on Friday. My official request to the medical school for adaptations is nearly ready to send.

That's a lot of stuff to get my head around - on top of the normal day-to-day life admin.

Also there's been bendy body stuff to deal with. A couple more joints have started significantly misbehaving, I've been referred for testing for gastroparesis and other GI nonsense. My body has gradually changed to a point where I sometimes feel a bit alien within it.

There's a little voice at the back of my head telling me that if I hadn't taken a year out I'd have got my exam results by now, would know what job I'd be doing, would be getting ready to start work. Watching Beanie do all the things I was supposed to be doing simultaneously makes me feel left behind and also reminds me that there is absolutely no way that I'd have made it this far.

Then there's the not insignificant matter of getting hitched in June. All very exciting but also quite busy making!

Anxiety is to be expected I think, but it's also quite hard to deal with - both because it is paralysing, so nothing gets done and because I'm alone a lot of the time and there's only so much I can talk myself down.

This is one of those times where a history of mental wonkiness comes in helpful. I have at my disposal a folder that started with some CBT and IPT worksheets to which I've added over the years notes from pain management, mindfulness, fatigue management, meditation/relaxation, time management, self-compassion and life organisation type books that I've found helpful. Somewhere in that folder I can generally find something to help me get through a bad patch.

For now my strategy is gentle routine (lots of 'unscheduled' time written in) so that I have time set aside to deal with anxiety-provoking stuff and time that is specifically not for that (so I don't have to worry about it then), trying to get out of the house every day, getting to bed on time (first writing a worry list to symbolically set aside) and doing things I enjoy that don't need my full concentration (like easy crochet).

So far it seems to be helping. Well, that or the chocolate soy milk I'm currently relishing =]

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